Raw: life has been crap lately

Raw because I usually write on Microsoft Word first, proofread, edit, reread and reread before posting here; but today, I’m writing straight on WordPress, publishing this right after I’m done, and I don’t think I would even have the plan to proofread this.

This would probably have mistakes, would probably confuse you because I don’t have my thoughts straight, and I’m sorry for that. I just wanna get all these things out of my head because, I know, this is what’s dragging me down.


Well, life has been pretty bull lately. It’s that time of the year where I sleep late every single night, always asking myself if I’m even on the right track. Is Abu Dhabi really the place for me? I can’t even say I’m happy living here.

This job hunting shiz is mainly what’s dragging me down. I get rejection emails most of the time, to the point that I got used to it already and I don’t feel anything anymore. If you don’t like me, fine. Delete email, thank you, bye.

Why am I not receiving any job-related phone calls? I almost had good job (or to think that I almost had it because I reached the interview-with-the-CEO stage) but then I lost it. I received an email exactly on my birthday – the first thing I read right after waking up – saying they’re not going to push through my application. Why? Everything went well that time. Is my best not good enough for you?

I have even tried looking for jobs at home, tried writing for different sites that pay you every time they accept your article; I’ve been doing everything I can.

But am I not good enough? (If the positive me is present right now, it’s the perfect time where I’ll say, “No, Amielle. You are good enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel that way.” but naaah. She’s not here, probably drowning in the Atlantic Ocean at the moment.)

I actually have an exceedingly long draft of just becoming a full-time blogger.. but it’s hard. It’s an investment. We all know that.

A lot of people are already doing it plus I don’t even have a niche. Articles from bloggers online would always tell you to have a niche and focus on it so that you’ll have faster growing community, but I don’t have it. I don’t have a niche. (Or at least I don’t know which niche I want to focus on.) I don’t have a center on my blog. I write different things like food, books, travel, and my personal life. I can’t choose one because that is everything that I love.

I’ve been looking at other people’s Instagram profile lately and I’ve come into these two “bloggers” who’s been getting paid and sponsored and all that but when I saw their “blogs”.. Damn. Forgive me for this – I might have only been saying this just because I’m jealous – but the quality they create is nothing compared to the effort and quality posts I’ve been trying to exert on my blog. To add that almost all of Blogger #2’s posts are copy-pasted. If not, she’s not even proofreading to check if her posts are grammatically correct. (Not that I’m saying everything I post is error-proof, but hey, you get me.)

And I feel so sad, so jealous, of them. I don’t think I can explain further.


One of my missions for this blog is about inspiring and making people feel good about themselves. If you’ll notice, in every ending of almost every blog post, I always wish you well, I always hope that you are doing okay and you know what you deserve, I always pray that you’re happy wherever you are. Because that is what I want. Because that is what I’m good at. Making people feel better because I was once in their position and I know how it feels to be worthless.

Now the thing with always being the “shoulder to lean on” of everyone, people would automatically assume that you’re okay and that you have your life together. They would always come up to you, share their problems, but they would never ask how you’re doing because they’d assume you’re doing perfectly fine.

I mean, I’m fine with that. Even if it means I’m talking to 3 or 4 people at the same time, it’s totally fine!! It’s not a bother for me to talk to them and make them feel better albeit sometimes they never listen and would totally hug the problem that they just had over again. I’m not even surprised anymore when after a few days, he or she comes back to me and asks what he or she needs to do because s/he’s facing the same problem she just had.

SIGH.

The only thing I’m really holding on to at this moment is my faith in God. Kahit na sometimes it’s hard not to question Him what His plan really is for me. It might even be incorrect to say this but a positive person like me feels weak, too. (I know my blog is more about optimism and positivity and I don’t even know why I’m publishing this here. I probably might make this post private after a few days.) Pero pinanghihinaan rin ako ng loob. Nalulungkot rin ako. Nahihirapan rin ako.

Pero kaya ko. Kaya ko pa. Kakayanin ko dahil may plano ako para sa sarili ko.

Ako pa ba ang susuko? Sa dinami dami ng pinagdaanan ko, ngayon pa ba? Tangina sabi nga ng favorite saying ko lately, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Kaya ‘to!

Tiwala lang.

42 thoughts on “Raw: life has been crap lately

  1. RheaAngeline says:

    Quite confused if I would hit like to this article or not. I like the sincerity but definitely I feel sad about how you feel right now. Come here, hug me, dear. In times like this, one thing I hold onto, “I know Who holds my future and that Someone truly cares.” Will commit to pray for you, ganda. Cheer up na.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jai says:

    “Now the thing with always being the “shoulder to lean on” of everyone, people would automatically assume that you’re okay and that you have your life together.” ~ I get this. I understand how it feels like. Praying for you dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. vienna noreen says:

    The thing these days is that people blog to earn, instead of blogging just because they love doing so. I guess we don’t really need to focus on a niche (for now), we just have to focus on what our hearts tell us to write about; to share. If we really want to do this, say for a living, we really must connect to our readers more than anything. I think that’s how we can build an audience.

    You’ll be okay. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jolens says:

    Even when you’re down you still find a way to be positive, hehe. Tama ka girl, ‘wag kang susuko. Masyado pang maaga para sumuko. :) Sana bumuti ang pakiramdam mo sa mga susunod na araw. Yakap! :)

    Like

  5. justineparagas says:

    You’ll be okay ate! The right time will come. Have faith kay God. Sometimes we wouldn’t missed the fact na minsan tinatanong na natin Siya kung bakit ba ganito or ganyan. But people might be on the same stage as you. Laban lang. Kaya mo yan. 🤗

    Like

  6. Yuri says:

    Have you check the website, desiring God? You might like it. I hope you find the job you need! But it could be different from your expectation because our perception is limited and God knows better ☺️

    Like

  7. ShadesOfWanderer says:

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.. God is in control, Amielle. Trust in Him.

    Like

  8. Alona says:

    Kapit lang, girl. Mahirap lang ang adulting sa umpisa. You’ll eventually get the job na para sa’yo talaga.

    I used to have a niche blog for 4 years, nung una ine-aim ko na kumita din, kaya lang nakakapagod. Nakakainggit, yes. Pero sa kagaya kong tamadera magpost, kebs na. Basta yung joy ng writing andun parin.

    Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      True, Ate. ‘Yun rin talaga iniiwasan ko kaya ayokong i-push na mag-full time blogging. (For now, ayaw ko rin naman magsalita ng tapos.) Kasi ayoko na dumating ‘yung time na nagsusulat nalang ako just because I need to and not because gusto ko lang talaga mag-sulat.

      Thank you, Ate Alona. Hugs!!

      Like

  9. Kat says:

    Aww. I hope your feeling better today, Amielle! <3 Alam ko mahirap yung sitwasyon mo and most of the time, need mo lang ilabas lahat ng sama ng loob mo para maging ok ka na ulit. Basta don't lose faith in Him and support yourself with positive people.

    Like

  10. Thea says:

    Amielle, kamusta ka? Are you feeling better? Minsan talaga sa buhay natin dadaan tayo diyan. Kapag nagkaroon ka na ng work tapos tumagal ka, iisipin mo rin kung yung work na yun ay para saiyo ba talaga. Pero kahit anong mangyari, wag na wag mawawala tiwala mo sa sarili mo. Mahirap gawin minsan kasi feeling mo wala ka nang nagagawang tama, pero kasabay ng pilit na pagtitiwala sa sarili ay yung dasal. :) Ginagawa mo naman yun diba, wag ka lang mapagod. Dadating din yung kung ano ang para sayo na trabaho. :) <3 dito lang ako lagi for you if you need someone.

    Tatapusin ko na sana pero kailangan kong sabihin pa ito. Mama ko at 2 kapatid ko pati mga asawa nila nasa UAE (except mama ko now kasi nagretire na siya) tapos kinukuha ako nila kuya para mabilis daw kami yumaman (hahahahah as if) pero hindi ko pa kaya, 26 na ako pero feeling ko hindi pa ako handa. Ikaw nga mas bata ka pa sakin pero andiyan ka, kinakaya mong wala ka sa Pilipinas. Ako nga umalis palang ng bansa di ko magawa eh. Kaya ikaw, matapang ka. Alam mo kakayahan mo, kaya yakapin mo yan. Yan gamitin mong pampalakas ng loob mo. May mga taong kagaya ko na hindi manlang ako makapagdesisyon umalis ng bansa pero ikaw, nakaya mo diba <3 Kaya fight lang! :D

    Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      😭 Sobrang thank you for the kind words, Ate Thea. Need ko ‘yan. Thank you sa pagpapalakas ng loob ko lalo na dun sa last part. Narealize ko na hindi ko rin naman talaga kailangang panghinaan ng loob ng matagal kasi alam ko naman sa sarili ko na may ginagawa ako. 😊 In God’s will din. ❤ YAKAAAAAAAP!!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Teesh Osita says:

    Hey, Amielle. I know how it feels when you don’t get the job you wanted. When I graduated, it took me four months to get a job. The envy and self-doubt started creeping in as I saw my peers get job offers left and right, some of them even got to travel for work. I know you’re doing your best, and you can get through this. :)

    Job hunting tip – if you got to the final interview and then get a rejection email, if you get to talk to the HR or had an HR interview, you can shoot them an email to ask for their feedback/something you can improve on. Or just to tell them to please keep you in mind when they have an opening. Also, based on experience, referrals from employees get processed faster. I’ve had more luck when I reach out to a friend to ask if they could refer me if they have a job opening. Best of luck! :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Awwww. This is so sweet. Thank you sooo much for taking the time to write this. No words can express how I appreciate this SO much.

      The blogging community really makes you feel loved and appreciated most of the time. I’m glad we found each other here. 😊 Again, thank you and I hope that you’re doing well and you’re happy wherever you are right now! hugs!! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Andrei says:

    Naiintindihan ko nararamdaman mo. Saludo ako sa puso at katapangan mo Amielle. Masaya ako na kahit sa likod ng iyong mga nararamdamang pagod at lungkot, kinakaya mong bigyan ng tapik ang sarili mong mga balikat.
    Batid ko sa post mong ito na mabuti at matatag kang tao. That is a gift.
    Meron akong letter na sinulat at na-publish dito sa WP na tumatalakay sa temang:”You’re not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” Walang duda na tama ang magbigay at magpadama ng pagmamahal sa iba, subalit habang tayo’y nagbibigay ang para sating sarili ay hindi rin dapat nababawasan. Nakita ko ang disposisyon na to sa’yo. At ang iyong matibay na pananalig sa Panginoon.
    I know I don’t have to tell you this but still I wanted to: Stay strong ☺

    Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Awww. Natouch ako dahil bukod sa ang lalim… (hahaha) e sobrang heartfelt ng comment na ‘to. Basahin ko po ‘yung post na ‘yun after nito.. Thank you po, Kuya. Sobrang thankful ako na dahil sa mga ganitong site e nararamdaman ko ‘yung care at suporta ng mga fellow bloggers kahit na hindi pa naman nagkikita personally. Parang may connection ba na nagagawa yung love nating lahat for writing. Hehe.

      Sobrang thank you po ulit, Kuya. :)

      Like

    • Andrei says:

      Don’t mention it. This community has helped me get through many rough times because of advices and expressions of love and concern from other bloggers. Small encouragements do a lot, ika nga nila.
      At certain point in my life naging therapy ko itong blog ko and my community has been very welcoming at supportive of me. The best thing in here is that we’re all real people with real life circumstances yet we do our very best to stick with our ideals by writing about them. There’s so much encouragement and motivation we can get from just reading posts. That’s one thing that I love here at WP.
      Your blog is just as colorful as that of the other bloggers. Wish you and your blog all the best!
      Remain true. You just don’t know you’re touching someone somewhere else who apparently finds meaning about their confusing cituation in your own words.
      See you Amielle.

      Liked by 1 person

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