Raw because I usually write on Microsoft Word first, proofread, edit, reread and reread before posting here; but today, I’m writing straight on WordPress, publishing this right after I’m done, and I don’t think I would even have the plan to proofread this.
This would probably have mistakes, would probably confuse you because I don’t have my thoughts straight, and I’m sorry for that. I just wanna get all these things out of my head because, I know, this is what’s dragging me down.
Well, life has been pretty bull lately. It’s that time of the year where I sleep late every single night, always asking myself if I’m even on the right track. Is Abu Dhabi really the place for me? I can’t even say I’m happy living here.
This job hunting shiz is mainly what’s dragging me down. I get rejection emails most of the time, to the point that I got used to it already and I don’t feel anything anymore. If you don’t like me, fine. Delete email, thank you, bye.
Why am I not receiving any job-related phone calls? I almost had a good job (or to think that I almost had it because I reached the interview-with-the-CEO stage) but then I lost it. I received an email exactly on my birthday – the first thing I read right after waking up – saying they’re not going to push through my application. Why? Everything went well that time. Is my best not good enough for you?
I have even tried looking for jobs at home, tried writing for different sites that pay you every time they accept your article; I’ve been doing everything I can.
But am I not good enough? (If the positive me is present right now, it’s the perfect time where I’ll say, “No, Amielle. You are good enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel that way.” but naaah. She’s not here, probably drowning in the Atlantic Ocean at the moment.)
I actually have an exceedingly long draft of just becoming a full-time blogger.. but it’s hard. It’s an investment. We all know that.
A lot of people are already doing it plus I don’t even have a niche. Articles from bloggers online would always tell you to have a niche and focus on it so that you’ll have faster growing community, but I don’t have it. I don’t have a niche. (Or at least I don’t know which niche I want to focus on.) I don’t have a center on my blog. I write different things like food, books, travel, and my personal life. I can’t choose one because that is everything that I love.
I’ve been looking at other people’s Instagram profile lately and I’ve come into these two “bloggers” who’s been getting paid and sponsored and all that but when I saw their “blogs”.. Damn. Forgive me for this – I might have only been saying this just because I’m jealous – but the quality they create is nothing compared to the effort and quality posts I’ve been trying to exert on my blog. To add that almost all of Blogger #2’s posts are copy-pasted. If not, she’s not even proofreading to check if her posts are grammatically correct. (Not that I’m saying everything I post is error-proof, but hey, you get me.)
And I feel so sad, so jealous, of them. I don’t think I can explain further.
One of my missions for this blog is about inspiring and making people feel good about themselves. If you’ll notice, in every ending of almost every blog post, I always wish you well, I always hope that you are doing okay and you know what you deserve, I always pray that you’re happy wherever you are. Because that is what I want. Because that is what I’m good at. Making people feel better because I was once in their position and I know how it feels to be worthless.
Now the thing with always being the “shoulder to lean on” of everyone, people would automatically assume that you’re okay and that you have your life together. They would always come up to you, share their problems, but they would never ask how you’re doing because they’d assume you’re doing perfectly fine.
I mean, I’m fine with that. Even if it means I’m talking to 3 or 4 people at the same time, it’s totally fine!! It’s not a bother for me to talk to them and make them feel better albeit sometimes they never listen and would totally hug the problem that they just had over again. I’m not even surprised anymore when after a few days, he or she comes back to me and asks what he or she needs to do because s/he’s facing the same problem she just had.
The only thing I’m really holding on to at this moment is my faith in God. Kahit na sometimes it’s hard not to question Him what His plan really is for me. It might even be incorrect to say this but a positive person like me feels weak, too. (I know my blog is more about optimism and positivity and I don’t even know why I’m publishing this here. I probably might make this post private after a few days.) Pero pinanghihinaan rin ako ng loob. Nalulungkot rin ako. Nahihirapan rin ako.
Pero kaya ko. Kaya ko pa. Kakayanin ko dahil may plano ako para sa sarili ko.
Ako pa ba ang susuko? Sa dinami dami ng pinagdaanan ko, ngayon pa ba? Tangina sabi nga ng favorite saying ko lately, I didn’t come this far to only come this far. Kaya ‘to!