Who Am I Outside This Blog?

As I am reading Trisha V‘s blog – my favorite blog in the world – I’ve been told that in order for my readers to understand what I write, what I do and who I am, they have to know where I came from and what lead me to decide to live the life I live now.

I cannot say that I’m living the life yet, but still, here I am at two o’clock in the morning, writing probably the most personal post I’ll publish on my blog yet.

So who am I? Who is Amielle De Torres, outside and before this blog?

Okay. Here goes nothing.


I’m lost.

But what I know is that I am one crazy-a$s girl whose heart is all about traveling and has a big passion for writing.

I guess my love for writing started way back fifth-grade when I had Journalism lessons from my adviser (and one of the best English teachers I had up to date). She was a tall, beautiful woman, who really gives her all when teaching. She was strict and I remember being so scared of her and thoroughly pushing my limits only to impress and see a smile on her face after, knowing that I’ve reached her expectations. She was the one who ignited my heart for writing.

Anyway, my classmates and I were coached by her for two years: all throughout fifth and sixth grade. We competed from school to school, district to district, and I was actually assigned on News Writing. I think I’ve been coached so hard I still remember how to write news. (Keep in mind to put the 4Ws&H – What, Why, How, Where, When – on the first paragraph, detail everything first to cross out things that aren’t important and the rest will follow.) But aside from News, I also tried writing Feature or Literary – which in any case is what I loved better.

I graduated, which means saying goodbye to journalism lessons, but it didn’t stop me from writing my heart out. I have a fire in my heart that’s still burning. I was in my sophomore year in High School – year 2009 – when I started my Tumblr blog; however, I didn’t write formally. I just blogged about my daily life, ranted about school and drama, talked about boys, and mainly reblog some stuff I like.

It went on for years. I’ve met online friends, and happily, they still are at this point. (One even made it to the BFF list: short girl from San Pedro, Laguna.) But like most of the people I met there, I have outgrown Tumblr. Even if I made a number of with-sense-posts, I stopped.

I stopped because I was too sad and I didn’t like what I was writing. My blog was slowly being filled with anger and pain. Everything was becoming a chaos. And even though people would say how they can totally relate and how words came out easily and were perfectly just flowing while I’m writing, I still stopped.

Because that wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I wanted to be. I didn’t want my future self (aka me now) to read how miserable I am, crying for a love which I thought would last forever. Yes, it practiced my writing skill but I didn’t want to practice that way.

I opened that blog again December last year (after months of trying because I don’t even remember the email I used way back 2009! It’s been 7 years, hello?) and as I’m back reading through the years, I saw how my writing skill progressed. Some posts were exceedingly immature – there’s a post where I’ve been ranting how I hated school and why do I have to go to school again? – but that’s me. That was me. I may have been immature and someone who’s writing freakishly goes out of control – switching from one topic to another in a snap – but would I have thought that ranting back then is a practice of what I will be doing now?

No.

Actually, as I am composing this, the thought where I saw my diary I had (11 years ago) the other night came into my mind. I was going through my stuff when I saw this box where I keep all the important memorabilia I’ve been keeping ever since I can remember. I’m a memory hoarder and if you remember giving me a letter way back in third-grade, ask me about it and I still may have it.

Reading the diary was hilarious. I was 9 yet I talk about love like I knew what it is. Like I experienced all the love in this world and I decided to write about it. My mom also gave me this slambook which I had when I was younger and you can read how cute and innocent I was in there.

But see, my point is, I’ve been telling stories ever since I was this little girl who thought she knew everything about life and love. Which means the fire I thought was ignited two years before grade school graduation turned out to be a fire already burning. It turned out that my favorite English teacher didn’t just ignite it. She added fuel to the fire that’s already burning.

But I said I was lost. How could I be lost?

I already had my first legit job months before graduating college. Not to mention I quit not too long after, but that’s a different story. Anyhow, a few days before quitting, I had my usual casual talk with the boss of all boss AKA the owner of the company itself – I worked under the Executive Admin Department – and it was one of the talks I won’t ever forget in my entire life.

He’s a wise man. An American citizen, so normally, it irks him when someone calls him Sir or Boss. He grew up independently from a different country; give him a country you want to visit and he’s probably been there. He likes to have casual talks with his employees when he’s not doing any work so when I went to his office one afternoon, I wasn’t surprised when he wanted to talk about me.

He asked me why I’m quitting. And then stories after, he asked me what I really wanted to be. What I really want in life.

And that’s where the answer to why I’m lost comes in.

I don’t know.

It’s one of the questions I usually don’t like to answer unless I’m in the mood. Why? Because I have a lot of answer to what I really want that it ends up to I don’t know which one of those I truly want. But that afternoon, I even warned him that he might not be ready for that talk.

“Tell me,” he said.

And so I told him how I’ve always wanted to be an author. A writer. I told him I’ve always wanted to start a travel blog and how I’ve been stuck between choosing Multimedia Arts or Mass Communication because I love creating videos and taking photos of everything; and how I’ve always wished to be a radio DJ.

But I didn’t tell him how I wanted to be a pilot, or a flight attendant, or a bad-a$s programmer, or how bad I wanted to take Astronomy four years back. I told him some things but I am telling you all these.. now.

Because I wanted you to see how confused and lost I am as a person. How I get so jealous of people who know what they want to do or where they want to go, while here I am.. Having all these dreams, all these goals, yet I don’t know which I truly want to achieve (or achieve first). I get pressured when my friends talk about their future – how they have a goal to be a registered engineer or an RPh on this certain year – and there I am, a Business & Computer Management graduate, a blank canvass among wonderful paintings.

As the optimistic girl everyone knows, this is the part where I should tell you, “But hey, a blank canvass could get so many possibilities.” But no, this is the part where I tell you that I am one lost individual and I don’t know where I’m going but I know I’m on my way. Chos! Corny.

Seriously.. As what my former boss told me, I am one effed up individual and I will stay this way if I didn’t figure out what I want. I almost cried not because it hurt, but it was true. And I’ve realized it myself even before that talk, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, until one person told me his opinion of me.

His words shocked me back then but right now, at this very second, I remember him telling me to find that one thing that

makes

my heart

burn

with passion.

(Oh my god, you don’t know how much I’m freaking out right now. Realizing all these!) And what makes my heart burn with passion?

T H I S . 

Wow. Three hours of writing this post (time check: 0448 AM), all just for the sake of me sharing a part of myself to you, and it ended up with this realization. Juskolord!

I am doing what I love and I am following what my heart wants. This is who I am, this is what I want to be, and this is what I want to do. I want to keep sharing stories with you until I ran out of words to say. I want to continue disclosing myself to you until we both build our own connection. I want to carry on with writing as long as I am inspired to do so because this is what makes me happy; what makes my heart happy. This is what causes my heart burn with passion.

And my only prayer right now before heading to bed is that if you are – like me – a lost individual in this world full of people who knew where they’re heading, I hope it won’t take you this long to realize what you want. I hope that you aren’t stuck with a toxic environment which hinders you from growing and accomplishing your dreams. I hope that whatever you do, you do what makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone.

Because I repeat, a blank canvass – as blank and as white as it can be – could get so many possibilities.

Goodnight.


This is a post from February 2017 and I just wanted to repost it because I have to remind myself what I really want to do in life. (Plus, binuhay ni Lala ‘tong post na ‘to nung isang araw. Blessing in disguise ata.) I just really want to explore places and experience different food, culture, et al and write about it. When people ask me what I want to do or what work I’m looking for, that’s the only answer I have na labag sa loob ko. Travel and writing.

That’s why lately, the jobs that I’m looking for are online-based or home-based so I can travel and work at the same time. Kaso alaws eh. Sobrang hirap din. Push ko maging flight attendant? I’m trying. I’m actually sending my CV to different airlines for the past few months but I guess they don’t consider it since I’m a Business Management graduate? I don’t know. Sila naman lugi; hello, ganda ko kaya ‘diba. Hahahaha charot!

I need some positivity and inspiration right now and it helped. So I hope that this post shared some inspiration, good vibes or probably some realizations too, in any way, and I pray that it pushes you to not be afraid and take risk of the things that make your heart burn with passion; because that is what you’re supposed to be doing.

If ever you’re feeling lost, no worries, you’re not alone on this journey. Always remember that.

Love, Amielle 

Update (after 2 hours): Look what I saw on Facebook just now. Very timely. Haaay. Bianca Gonzales: Practical job or dream job? Confused si Miss “Struggling Sa Career” kung alin nga ba ang dapat niyang piliin. Paano ba to?

57 thoughts on “Who Am I Outside This Blog?

  1. Michael Raqim Mira says:

    You’re very talented. From what I’ve seen so far on your blog, you’re on the right path. Although clarity of vision is important, what’s more important is work ethic. If you work hard to attain a goal, inch by inch, then at the very least you can say you tried–even if you fail in the end. However, I think you’re on your way to realizing your dreams. Keep writing, keep learning, keep exploring the world outside and the one inside your imagination.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Wow. Thank you for this. I truly needed it. It’s true. Aside from that, I believe we also have to be dedicated in whatever we do. We have to give time and effort into it. Thank you so much for this, Michael. I hope you have a great week. :)

      Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      And thank you for this comment rin, girl. Sobrang need ko ‘to kasi lately, nakakalimutan ko na kung ano ba talagang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko na minsan naiisip ko if i-seset aside ko nalang ba muna ‘tong “love” ko for writing and do other stuff muna para makatulong na ako sa pamilya ko.

      O ewan ko, baka nag-p-PMS lang rin ako.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ica says:

    ramdam kita amielle. lost din ako. ang dami kong gusto gawin sa buhay ko pero isa lang ang alam ko, na wala pa akong nagagawa dun sa mga gusto kong gawin. i am already 22, but still, alam mo yun wala pa ring usad. yung momentum ko, di na gumalaw nung huminto yun. hays. isa rin to kung bakit ako depressed lately eh. at tuwing gabi, palagi pumapasok sa isip ko, ano ba talaga gusto ko.

    thanks sa post mo!!! ♡ alam ko magagawa mo yung gustong gusto mong gawin. and nakikita ko na yun ngayon pa lang.😃👍

    Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Exactly. Na minsan parang naiisip natin, “sayang ‘yung oras” pero bakit parang hindi tayo kumikilos? Or bakit kapag nag-sstart tayo, parang mali? Parang may mali?

      We’ll get through this, Ica! Sama sama tayo 😊 Pagsubok lang ‘to. Huuuugs! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Aww, thank you so much, Kuya Dex. Nakakatouch naman po. Huhu.

      Pero ako, based from your posts Kuya, how you write is beyond okay naman. Very informative and super well-researched pa. I tried writing something like that before for my travel posts pero I’m not good at it kaya nag-stick nalang talaga ako on.. ‘yun nga. Where I feel comfortable and “natural” as possible, and that is more on personal posts. :)

      Besides, feeling ko ‘yun rin po talaga ‘yung isa sa mga purpose ng blogging. To learn from fellow writers and grow together. Sana matutunan ko rin po mag-sulat kagaya nung mga travel posts n’yo soon. :)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Krishel says:

    I think we’re all a little lost sometimes. Jusko ako din mejo lost. Pero minsan naman talaga alam mo yung gusto mong gawin at hindi ka talaga lost, gaya sayo writing and traveling ang gusto mo, pero ang hirap sundan nung dreams and passions mo kasi ang daming masasacrifice. Kaya ang nanyayari stuck ka. Huhu. May napanuod nga ako na okay lang naman daw na you don’t follow your dreams kasi yun yung normal. Following your dreams kasi is for the people who are willing to risk everything daw. And those who are given the luck.

    Yung isa pa, pampalubag loob lang din siguro, limiting din daw kasi yung following your dreams. Sya kasi 10 years ng YouTuber. Sikat and all. Pero nung bata naman sya hindi naman daw career ang pagiging Youtuber kaya sure sya na hindi yun yung The Dream niya. Pero dun sya dinala ng panahon at narealize niya na gusto niya yung ginagawa niya. Kaya okay lang daw to unfollow your dreams. Kasi baka yung para sayo hindi pa din uso.

    Haha. Dami kong daldal. Ang gusto ko lang naman talaga sabihin eh don’t quit. To follow your dreams or to unfollow your dreams. Just keep on going. Naniniwala akong nasa tamang lugar tayo. On the way na tayo! 👊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Okay lang ‘yan, te! Mas madami pa rin akong kinuda dun sa post ko. Hahahaha. Pero true, marami rin ako nababasa and napapanood na ganyan. Na minsan naman daw, malay natin ‘yung job kung saan tayo napunta will end up as our dream job daw.

      Nakakatakot lang rin kasi talaga ‘yung risk and sacrifices kapag sinunod mo ‘yung gusto mo e ‘di ba? Lalo pa ako na sobrang family-oriented ko, gusto ko na talaga makatulong sa fam ko as much as possible pero if I pushed my “dream job” parang mahihirapan akong masuportahan sila kasi kelangan ko munang suportahan ‘yung self and pangarap ko.

      Hindi naman sa natatakot ako mag-risk pero ‘yun nga. Iniisip ko pa rin fam ko. Huhu. Bawal mag-quit!! Nakaplano naman lahat ‘to. Darating at darating rin tayo sa pupuntahan natin. Medyo na-flat tire lang siguro. :)

      Liked by 1 person

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      It’s never too late to start naman, Ate! :) ‘Yun nga lang.. Nakakatakot talaga minsan i-drop lahat para magsimula ng panibago kasi ‘di natin alam if sasang-ayon ba sa’tin ang universe this time.

      Like

  4. crazy4you says:

    I second all of these comments saying you are a talented writer. I haven’t looked at your other posts yet, but just reading this, I can see your passion for it in the way you write. I can relate in a sense to knowing there’s so many things you want to do, but not knowing where to start or what to start. I’m glad you’re on the right path to doing what you love, though! It all starts with that first step of knowing what you truly want (:

    Liked by 1 person

  5. pinoytransplant says:

    Knowing and accepting that you’re lost is the first step of finding your way. There are some that are forever lost, just because they don’t know or don’t admit that they are lost, and thus did not try to search for the right path.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Kuya, hello! Sorry for the late reply. And I agree with that. I’m grateful that at this age, I can say that even if I’m still lost, I know I’m trying to find my path to where I want to be. Thank you so much for this comment po. Means a lot to me. <3

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Mommy A says:

    Amielle, I really really appreciate your openness. Thank you for sharing your heart!!! I used to be lost to, and sometimes I still do feel that way, whatever career you finally decided to really pursue I know you’d be great at it because I can see how you commit to always improving yourself. God bless!

    Like

  7. Pico says:

    I love this. I hope I could write a single post about entirely myself, but I can’t even know what and where to start. I am still in a search inside my heart as to who am I really .

    Like

  8. seaofwordsx says:

    Omg I you touched my heart with this post… I just graduated and to be honest I feel lost. I have a lot of dreams but suffering from anxiety I find it hard how to make everything work in life. Then the pressure of people asking me makes it even worse. But you are so right we have to you are so right with your words! I love writing too. You are such a good writer. I know you are making your dreams come true. I believe in you 💫👏💕

    Like

    • Amielle De Torres says:

      Christinaaaa. Hugs!! Thank you for your comment, as well. I’m so touched! :’) Whenever I receive comments like this, or how people are inspired or touched by my words, it makes me want to write more.. It warms my heart to think that what I want to do (which is writing) benefits other people, too.

      We’re all going to get through this. We’re on our way to achieving our dreams and getting what we want in life. I believe in you, too, girly!! We can do this! <3

      Like

    • seaofwordsx says:

      I send you a hug too! 💜 You are welcome girl! You deserve it. Doing what you love is the best and when people appreciate what you are doing it makes you even more happy. So keep up the good work! 💜

      Yeah we are, just one day at a time. Thank you so much lovely! 😘 Much love to you xox

      Like

  9. dakilanglaagan says:

    Why do I feel like reading my story? 😁😁😁 With the way you share your side of story, I think your teacher really did a good job in you. I hope you find what truly makes you feel more alive. Remember that what works for others may not work for you. Find your own legend and always put your heart wherever destiny will bring you. 😇😇😇

    Liked by 1 person

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